This might sound horribly pessimistic.

It probably will. Just know...you've been warned.

Begin rant:

I hate being 20.
I hate making decisions.
It stresses me out..more than you know.
I'm okay with making little decisions like...what color of shirt I'm going to wear, or whatever...but I still don't like it, by any stretch of the imagination.
Can you even imagine how much stress I feel when I have to make major life decisions like...where I'm going to go to school, or where I'm going to live?
Some of these, like SUU, just came naturally. I went there and knew.
I met him, and knew I wanted to transfer.
At first, it was good.
But then, I started hating it.
School sucked, and I wasn't super thrilled about anything.
Things just kinda started to...fizzle.
It has been good for other people, like my grandma, and...how my grandma's house hasn't burned down, and how no one's stolen her identity.
I did better in school that I had anticipated I would.
(Let's not talk about how I failed Human Development...)
But I feel like I've cried more this semester than I ever have before in my life.
When I was alone in my car, I would either be thinking about him, or about how miserable I was.

Right now, I'm at a complete loss.
I'm not happy, and I am not crazy about my living arrangements.
Or...anything, really.
I don't feel depressed, I'm just more...lost.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that everything that happened this summer, happened for a reason.
I needed to learn the things that I did, and see the things that I saw.
Everything seemed to just...fall into place perfectly.
I met him, and we went on dates, and I fell pretty hard for him.
We talked about way deep personal things, and things that scared us, and about getting married. We talked about what we wanted to do in life at the very beginning, and how many kids we wanted to have, and when it was all going to happen, and what we were going to be career wise.
And then...it fell apart. Whatever we were...fell apart.

Everything I do and see, reminds me of him.
I can't get him out of my head, and I could put money on the fact that...he doesn't think about me. I know he's busy, but so am I, and somehow I manage to always have him in the back of my mind...it just kind of hurts to know that I'm not somewhere in his mind too.

I think it's just because I can't figure it out.
It doesn't make sense to me why you would talk about getting married, and having children with someone, and tell them way personal things about how you grew up, and then....just stop.

I seem like I'm an easy person to talk to, and approach, I guess. He's not the first person to talk to me about marriage, but he was the first person I saw myself spending the rest of my life with. The timing of when we met, and the things we talked about from the get go, was perfect. I was sure things would work out between us...how could they not with everything that had happened that summer with nannying, and seeing how families are supposed to work and then our first date and how it felt when I talked to him or when he texted me?

I have felt this way from the beginning: that if whatever we were...were to end, I would never really be able to get over him. And look where I am now? Alone. Not completely over him.

Don't worry...the story of how we met, and things we did/talked about is coming tomorrow. Stay tuned.


End rant.